But they were mine
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Souji goes out in the middle of the night, thinking about what's left of his life.


Disclaimer: Of course, Peacemaker Kurogane isn't mine, but I can't stop writing for it.

 **But they were mine.**

 **by Miyamoto Yui**

It was twilight, but it was raining lightly, making things appear darker than they should've been. At this crazy time, when things were swirling around the nation, I was walking by myself.

 _While I still can._

Why was it all I could do was wait? But I could never take it at face value. Somehow, I had to do something...anything…to take hold of the little I had control of. Except, without warning, no matter how healthy I tried to keep myself on the outside, my little insecure thoughts took over. And now, I was coughing it all up, forcing me to become more honest to myself.

 _I don't want to just wait here until my body breaks and I'm restrained to this futon!_

Then, I suddenly thought about it again and gave a little laugh as I thought of Him. I was so sure that at some time or another, he'd have loved to hear that from me. I shook my head in defeat. As always, my thoughts wandered over to that possessive brat that wreaked havoc if his anger was piqued.

" _From the moment you swung at me, you were mine. So if you ever get the crazy idea of leaving here, just…don't." He was taking a nap in his older sister's house as I stood out in the front, enjoying the sun as his lookout._

 _I didn't quite understand what he meant at thirteen years old, but I replied while watching the garden before me, "Oh, how sweet. Don't you say that to all the recruits when they join?"_

 _I could only imagine what kind of face he gave from behind me._

Knowing that person, I wasn't even sure if it was a promise. He always talked like that and then kept his distance from me. He knew how to give me hope and crush me at the same time, and yet I knew how to keep him watching me and cut through his façade with my bluntness.

 _Still, I childishly held onto those words with all I had left_.

It was the last thing I could hold onto as everyone turned away on their own paths out of necessity or disagreement.

I hadn't thought of leaving or that everyone would break up at some point. All those years in Kyoto weren't always comfortable, but for once, there was stability. I had something to look forward to everyday.

Was I immature about all of it?

The rain began to fall slightly harder as I stepped out. Slowly, I walked as my geta clacked on the wet stone paths. I was so frustrated that I moved so sluggishly. I was only twenty-five years old yet I felt much older. The more steps I took, the angrier I got at the fact that I had once been so agile. I was the first captain! They had depended on me to be that until the very end!

 _Someone wanted me. I belonged with them._

I coughed into that damn towel with the splotches of red that didn't want to thoroughly wash away. Then, I tucked it into my sleeve. There was no choice, but for me to take things as they are. Step by step, I ventured out the gate. No one was out. I shouldn't have been out as well, but I needed to go out or else I'd go crazy.

Turning right to get towards the Sumida River, I saw a girl coming towards my direction. As she came up to me, I noticed the light color of her coat covering her kimono. Without words, she offered me her violet umbrella. They matched the hydrangeas for this rainy season.

She hadn't noticed I was an invalid. Stubbornly, I still refused to let go of my bokken.

It was the one that he had given me at the dojo when I had passed over Kondo-san's exam. Until the end, I wanted to have it with me.

I was living in Imado Jinja, but I still secretly practiced.

Every morning…

Afternoon…

Night…

I refused to let it go. It had defined my purpose to stay with them.

But now, I was completely useless because we were losing to the changing times. And I wasn't like Shinpachi. He had wandered around looking for a dojo and he could still keep believing in both sides of our divided group. Some part of me envied that he had always chosen his way.

As for me, I had been passed around.

 _I didn't know what choice actually meant. It's a privilege when you can breathe,_

 _when you have time to think._

She smiled at me and I suddenly remembered my sister.

 _The first thing I ever chose for myself was to leave my sister and study under Kondo-san. All the while, I wondered why I had existed as a tool to protect and kill people._

I shook my head politely. We went our separate ways and I tried hard to walk to the river.

How had I ended up on the other side near Hitachi waiting? Just waiting for what? My body moved as the pain numbed my whole body little by little.

Growing a little feverish, I wondered if I could make it or should I turn back?

I stumbed and fell onto stones of the street with one hand bleeding with little cuts, the other gripping helplessly onto my bokken.

I shouldn't cry. A samurai can never show his true feelings because his honor is his pride, but am I just an ordinary person now because my magic is fading? Because I am nothing once more because we are all not together?

It was hard to breathe, but I still got up unsteadily. As I was about to slip again, someone grabbed me from behind.

I didn't turn around to see who it was because I knew. I knew those hands more than anyone because he always tried to find an excuse to hold onto me or my hair ever since we met.

It was useless to ask how Toshi found me.

He hugged me so tight, it was harder than before to breathe.

 _Everyone suspected us on the other part of the nation,_

 _killing us off our members one by one, yet in their own way,_

 _they were still kind._

 _holding onto true humanity, not vanity or power._

 _They weren't perfect at all,_

 _hurting one another even if we only had each other,_

 _but they were mine and I loved them all._

 _They were the only ones I could call_

 _My family._

 **Owari. / The end.**

 **Author's note:** I had written these notes last year as I finally visited the Shinsengumi house in Kyoto. Suddenly, in a café, these words poured out of me and right now, I felt I should write them. It wasn't until I went to that house did I understand the meaning of his choice to be a member of the Shinsengumi.

May 30th is Souji's memorial death day and since I cannot go to his grave this year, I thought I'd write this instead.

I hope you could understand the feelings I tried to write about. Thank you for reading.

Love,

Yui

5/25/2016 2:21 AM – LA

5/26/2016 6:21 PM - Tokyo


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